Due date that would not happen

After initial shock of not only losing the baby, but also having two miscarriages in 4 months... And having hard time with physical healing again... (Perhaps I didn't know at that time it was a blessing - as it postponed me from truly dealing with emotional part until much later, when I was more ready). I was bleeding for over two month straight...  (bleeding supposed to subside in 1 week, two tops) to subside And not just a little... Kept going back to the doctor only to hear that nothing seems wrong and they don't feel like they need to do anything... It was ever more frustrating as I was longing to go to the beach, to take kids in the water, to have some positive things... It was frustrating cause I knew It was not helping with emotional side... I did't realize that maybe that part was for better. Finally they gave me five days or hormonal pills... It helped a little, but wasn't enough. I was still bleeding... It took putting me on a combination birth control for much longer time to stabilize everything - it also meant emergency weaning my daughter, and it was terrible. Although I was more than ready to be done nursing... I hated to do it in such a rush. I was terrified about birth control. by the way, because of my experience back in December, when it made me unbearably emotional. But it was not as bad this time.
Yes, I was sad. Yes I cried a lot. And the emptiness... And no desire to do anything...And two little kids, who still need all the care and the attention you are hardly feel like giving. But before I miscarried, and already started to bleed and was suggested bed rest I remember catching myself thinking "no matter how precious this new little baby is, I don't know if it's fair to not give my kids what they need in order to MAYBE slightly increase a chance the baby will survive" and so in a same way I was trying to motivate to be there for children, who still needs me as I was crying for one, who needed me no longer... Surprisingly fairly soon I was doing not so bad and was actually amazed at how much in peace I am with the situation and how well I am dealing with it - most of the time... Then we were moving back to mainland  and were really busy. 
And then pretty much completely out of blue I woke up in the middle of a night thinking of the baby, whose tiny body we released into the ocean. And how we will never get to see what could have become of him or her... never see her smile... for some reason I think it was a girl. I cried for couple hours... As sad as I was I could feel those tears were healing... But it also hit me that we have baby that died. Nothing in the world can ever change that. The questions like "how long it should take to get over miscarriage?" are completely absurd. YOU DO NOT GET OVER IT. PERIOD. 
I don't know, maybe I am blind, that it took me so long to get it... 
And here is an interesting fact - you know how you it is said that pregnancy milestones that are coming after there is sadly pregnancy no longer are usually hard? And due date is one of the big ones when we tend to hit the bottom? Well I read and knew about it... However, like I mentioned we were really busy and frankly I wasn't thinking of it... That morning I woke up crying... it was beginning of September. My due date was supposed to be around September 20.
After that night I went through weird "craving" for reads and movies that involved pregnancies, miscarriages or other losses that resonate in us in a similar way. I would cry and get really sad watching them. But I felt deep need for that. I guess it was my way of finally grieving through it, and my intuition told me not to fight it. And she was right. I am sure there gonna be plenty ups and downs ahead. But I am feeling better now. 
And as weird as it is, this baby I will never watch grow has probably given me one of the greatest gifts i will ever receive. The gift of understanding more deeply. The gift of looking at our everyday problems more lightly. The gift of appreciating life on a different level. And perhaps when I say I am not sad so much about not having this other baby, yet it is still so painful to know I have lost her and I wish it all just didn't happen...perhaps it's not entirely true. I am not claiming I am all changed for better, I do know for fact that she gave me potential to be better person, even if a sadder one.