Back to the story.

A little over year ago, even though we were not in a position to do so, but something got us... Whether it was a pregnant friend we were helping out at that time, thoughts of how great of a big sister our little girl would make (and how happy she would be) or practical thoughts of aging and wanting to be done having children sooner than later... or just a little baby fever... and maybe everything together, we have decided to try for the third... This was the most planned pregnancy in my life and the least planned one at the same time - as i have never imagined having more than two kids - i have never NOT wanted having more, i guess I just grew up with this model of family like my own and like so many others i have thing - two kids - preferably a boy and a girl... But my husband had a different model and thought of little tiny baby was wonderful. So we have decided  - and amazingly i got pregnant the very first cycle. I was very sick prior to even being late... My stomach was terribly upset for days in a row with ups and downs that were not related to anything I ate or didn't eat... and i grew very weak fast and i was hoping I was pregnant - it was too early to tell - but otherwise i would have to be fearing i have some very serious illness. As soon as it was late enough I took a test - and it was positive. Soon I was spotting again - which you may have guessed didn't really get me worried much this time... but then there were something different about it... slowly but steady it seemed to be increasing day by day...  Until it turned into a bleeding and we went to ER... And then ultrasound showed us - or I guess I should say it didn't show us - it didn't show us what we were supposed to see... The technician was keep asking if i was sure about my dates and kept measuring - it was still really early - around 8 weeks i think - but I knew it wasn't there... My baby was not there! Every pregnant girl's nightmare - the silent ultrasound with no heartbeat... And even no baby for that matter... just an emssay that, some relief. Sadness and pain and emptiness... But also a relief. And it's normal. And it's ok. And I don't know why we should have to feel guilty for feeling relived. There are more than one side to ANYTHING. It was November 2012, just about a year ago...And that year put a lot more on our shoulders, but I have to take a break now, as it is 3 am.