Can you help?

I am sad tonight. We had a wonderful evening with the kids and grand parents. And tomorrow (well technically today) is Thanksgiving. And I should be excited about long weekend. Yes I am stay at home mom, but weekends matter - a lot - because of loved ones who do have an 8 to 5 job. And we get to set the Christmas tree up after dinner. 

But I just got done writing a little letter to somebody who has been my whole world at some point in my life. And although I believe we remained friendly in our hearts we haven't been staying in touch and only know a little about each other's life from our families. I needed to welcome a conversation as I learned he might be needing it. It is not my story and I feel like they very private about it, so I all I am going to share is that's about very premature baby, that is battling for life. And I am heartbroken for them. And inevitably that makes me think of my baby and be sad about that as well. 

Please, send a positive thought, a good energy or a prayer to help this little baby survive. 

Thank you. 

Due date that would not happen

After initial shock of not only losing the baby, but also having two miscarriages in 4 months... And having hard time with physical healing again... (Perhaps I didn't know at that time it was a blessing - as it postponed me from truly dealing with emotional part until much later, when I was more ready). I was bleeding for over two month straight...  (bleeding supposed to subside in 1 week, two tops) to subside And not just a little... Kept going back to the doctor only to hear that nothing seems wrong and they don't feel like they need to do anything... It was ever more frustrating as I was longing to go to the beach, to take kids in the water, to have some positive things... It was frustrating cause I knew It was not helping with emotional side... I did't realize that maybe that part was for better. Finally they gave me five days or hormonal pills... It helped a little, but wasn't enough. I was still bleeding... It took putting me on a combination birth control for much longer time to stabilize everything - it also meant emergency weaning my daughter, and it was terrible. Although I was more than ready to be done nursing... I hated to do it in such a rush. I was terrified about birth control. by the way, because of my experience back in December, when it made me unbearably emotional. But it was not as bad this time.
Yes, I was sad. Yes I cried a lot. And the emptiness... And no desire to do anything...And two little kids, who still need all the care and the attention you are hardly feel like giving. But before I miscarried, and already started to bleed and was suggested bed rest I remember catching myself thinking "no matter how precious this new little baby is, I don't know if it's fair to not give my kids what they need in order to MAYBE slightly increase a chance the baby will survive" and so in a same way I was trying to motivate to be there for children, who still needs me as I was crying for one, who needed me no longer... Surprisingly fairly soon I was doing not so bad and was actually amazed at how much in peace I am with the situation and how well I am dealing with it - most of the time... Then we were moving back to mainland  and were really busy. 
And then pretty much completely out of blue I woke up in the middle of a night thinking of the baby, whose tiny body we released into the ocean. And how we will never get to see what could have become of him or her... never see her smile... for some reason I think it was a girl. I cried for couple hours... As sad as I was I could feel those tears were healing... But it also hit me that we have baby that died. Nothing in the world can ever change that. The questions like "how long it should take to get over miscarriage?" are completely absurd. YOU DO NOT GET OVER IT. PERIOD. 
I don't know, maybe I am blind, that it took me so long to get it... 
And here is an interesting fact - you know how you it is said that pregnancy milestones that are coming after there is sadly pregnancy no longer are usually hard? And due date is one of the big ones when we tend to hit the bottom? Well I read and knew about it... However, like I mentioned we were really busy and frankly I wasn't thinking of it... That morning I woke up crying... it was beginning of September. My due date was supposed to be around September 20.
After that night I went through weird "craving" for reads and movies that involved pregnancies, miscarriages or other losses that resonate in us in a similar way. I would cry and get really sad watching them. But I felt deep need for that. I guess it was my way of finally grieving through it, and my intuition told me not to fight it. And she was right. I am sure there gonna be plenty ups and downs ahead. But I am feeling better now. 
And as weird as it is, this baby I will never watch grow has probably given me one of the greatest gifts i will ever receive. The gift of understanding more deeply. The gift of looking at our everyday problems more lightly. The gift of appreciating life on a different level. And perhaps when I say I am not sad so much about not having this other baby, yet it is still so painful to know I have lost her and I wish it all just didn't happen...perhaps it's not entirely true. I am not claiming I am all changed for better, I do know for fact that she gave me potential to be better person, even if a sadder one. 

Bleeding again

Shortly after finding out about the pregnancy I was back at the ER... bleeding. And oh miracle - there was a perfect tiny baby with a perfect heartbeat - and exciting but very shaky hope. However the whole situation was not so perfect. I had subchorionic bleeding - I have never heard of it before, but learned that I guess it was kinda common. It is also something that can not be explained in most cases and can do either of these three - keep increasing and lead to miscarriage, stop at some point and allow normal pregnancy or continue through out the pregnancy - with either more or less normal birth, preterm birth and sometimes induced very preterm birth... A lot of not very exciting possibilities that would keep one anxious.
I was feeling ok over all and doing my best taking it easy... I had mild morning sickness which seemed sort of comforting at that time. I was ordered to come back in a few days for another scan - baby was still doing good, but bleeding grew :( 
I remember waking up on Valentine day and not feeling nauseous - my heart dropped... As i was still only at about 8 weeks and I read about it, that when you have pregnancy symptom suddenly disappear before it is normally expected to go away... well sometimes it means a hormonal drop due to pregnancy not progressing.
And then few days later something very unbelievable happened. This is really hard to write about - but it is also the part I want to get out there the most - as I was sort of prepared for miscarriage, and that being second time in a row i have read plenty and it was still fresh in my mind - I do not remember reading anything like what I am about to tell you - and I so wish I was prepared for it at least a little. 
On a side note wanna mention something absolutely incredible about  toddlers sensitivity. We managed to not tell our kids about the baby this time - and just were acting as whatever was going on was related to the previous pregnancy loss... My daughter just turned two and I was trying to wean her with no success. In fact it seemed to make her want to nurse more... None of us were getting good sleep anymore. She was extremely needy and only would fall asleep nursing. I was trying hard to stop this - as i was concerned it was contributing to the problem. But she was just plain not ready. And I absolutely could not handle letting her just scream for hours. So finally I pretty much backed off - as I figured that stress over trying to wean her is probably more harmful than nursing itself. And so I got in bed with her to help her fall asleep. She just cuddled and went to sleep right away. It has NEVER happened before and it will not happen again until she is completely weaned.
I felt the urge to go to the bathroom - I was bleeding very heavy and there it was my precious little baby, lifeless, so tiny and so perfect on my pad! I broke down... My husband and son crushed out a while ago... I was the only one awake in the house...All I could do is sit there and cry staring and the tiny miracle that was no longer going to happen... Thinking back of that time - how i wish I was aware of something like this is possible when you miscarry, how i wished I have taken better look and wasn't as freaked out as I was. Just a few days ago I heard that little music of the heartbeat... this little tiny heart will never beat again... But forever it will make my heart skip a beat when I think about it. I should have been almost 9 weeks. The baby looked EXACTLY like in developmental pictures for 8 weeks - there is distinctive difference between 7 and 8 weeks, as well as between 8 and 9. That day I noticed my morning sickness was gone was the day the baby gave up the fight. I will never be able to look at those 8 weeks development pictures in a same way again.

I am sorry, I have been insensitive

If you are reading this blog, chances are you are struggling with miscarriage or possibility of one, or helping somebody who is... I am sorry for the pain you have to go though. I wish all of you to find the strength to be weak and grieve through it, so you can be happy and contented once again. I am aware that my story is a lot less heartbreaking, than a lot of miscarriage stories. It is not a competition however. I've lived through my share of struggles and feelings, that seemed weird for the situation and I sure wished to hear of somebody feeling alike. I hope that this can be useful for somebody. And if you are the one affected - please, just stop for a minute, take a deep breath and give yourself a nice hug. Whatever you maybe feeling is ok. There is no right or wrong way to experience the loss. The only rule is "best way out is always through" If you feel the need to stuff it away and be over it for now - that's ok. But beware - you will still have to leave through these feelings - sooner or later. 
Be strong if you have to. Be weak if you can. Don't forget deep breathes. And smile through your tears. It has been proven that even forced smile is good for you.  

After the miscarriage

We were so sad and discouraged. We have decided, that maybe after all it was not a right time and we should probably wait to see IF we want to try again... I did actually know personally few people who has had a miscarriage and how high rate was. So, I was thinking to myself, what are the odds to get three successful pregnancies in row? In a weird way I was not surprised by my miscarriage. Crushed and shocked never the less. To make matters worse I had to deal with telling kids about it - I wasn't planning to tell them, but i was forced to by them jumping on me and saying "mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy, right?" (they were around my pregnant friend a lot - so that's what got them thinking in that direction) i guess they were right after all :(
And if that was not enough was not healing physically they way it was expected. I will not quit bleeding. I had to go back to ER at one point. They put me on birth control to stop bleeding. Thankfully it did help, but I was such a mess on the pills - I was literally crying over 10 times a day. 
Time went by and everything seemed to go back to normal... More or less. In the second half of January we took a little day trip and I got motion sick on the way down from the mountain. That was really weird as I never get motion sick when I am well. I still hasn't got my period. Which was not in itself too suspicious - as it can take a little extra time to get back on track after miscarriage. However getting motion sick got me really thinking... We took a pregnancy test -  and it was POSITIVE! 
I can not begin to describe all the mixed emotions... Terrified. Stressed. Scared. Excited. Hopeful to heal from the unsuccessful pregnancy with a good one. Scared that it will not go great even more likely, since it was so close to the miscarriage. And on top of all it was just unbelievable. 
But we had no other choice than to make a piece with this and hope for the best and try to be happy. For a week or two that is.  

Back to the story.

A little over year ago, even though we were not in a position to do so, but something got us... Whether it was a pregnant friend we were helping out at that time, thoughts of how great of a big sister our little girl would make (and how happy she would be) or practical thoughts of aging and wanting to be done having children sooner than later... or just a little baby fever... and maybe everything together, we have decided to try for the third... This was the most planned pregnancy in my life and the least planned one at the same time - as i have never imagined having more than two kids - i have never NOT wanted having more, i guess I just grew up with this model of family like my own and like so many others i have thing - two kids - preferably a boy and a girl... But my husband had a different model and thought of little tiny baby was wonderful. So we have decided  - and amazingly i got pregnant the very first cycle. I was very sick prior to even being late... My stomach was terribly upset for days in a row with ups and downs that were not related to anything I ate or didn't eat... and i grew very weak fast and i was hoping I was pregnant - it was too early to tell - but otherwise i would have to be fearing i have some very serious illness. As soon as it was late enough I took a test - and it was positive. Soon I was spotting again - which you may have guessed didn't really get me worried much this time... but then there were something different about it... slowly but steady it seemed to be increasing day by day...  Until it turned into a bleeding and we went to ER... And then ultrasound showed us - or I guess I should say it didn't show us - it didn't show us what we were supposed to see... The technician was keep asking if i was sure about my dates and kept measuring - it was still really early - around 8 weeks i think - but I knew it wasn't there... My baby was not there! Every pregnant girl's nightmare - the silent ultrasound with no heartbeat... And even no baby for that matter... just an emssay that, some relief. Sadness and pain and emptiness... But also a relief. And it's normal. And it's ok. And I don't know why we should have to feel guilty for feeling relived. There are more than one side to ANYTHING. It was November 2012, just about a year ago...And that year put a lot more on our shoulders, but I have to take a break now, as it is 3 am.

Why am I sharing this

Before I go back to the story, i want to explain, why i have decided to share it. It's very simple - because I remember feeling so along and so not understood. And then I learned just how many of us have to go through this - and it put me even in a more of a shock - if this is so common, why people don't talk about it more openly? Why it's such a taboo? And although I do realize that I might not have much power into shifting society to be more fair and more open and more considerate about it, that's ok. As long as I can hope that I will have at least one single woman feel less along and more understood.